The eternal wisdom of God #7: How should I protect my house-guests?

This is an ongoing series designed to share the wisdom of God with you. If the Bible is to be considered legitimate, we should be able to read it and say to ourselves “Wow, this is so insightful it must be the eternal wisdom of the divine creator”. The guidance must be so amazing that it could not simply have been written by some loin-clothed bronze-age lunatic, it can only be the word of God.

We have all been in this situation. You invite some friends around, you’re having a great evening but then there’s a knock on the door. Some of the locals want you to send your guests outside so that they can bugger them silly. What can you do in such a situation?

Fear not, the Bible provides us with expert guidance. We turn to Genesis 19:4. In this story, Lot was in the same situation as you. He gave this wise response.

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

You see, the answer is simple. Simply offer your two virgin daughters to the locals. They will be too busy gang-raping them to bother your guests. Just turn up the music so you can’t hear their screams and get back to playing Trivial Pursuit with the guests.

If you’re fortunate, your daughters will survive and later get you drunk enough to have sex with them (not once, but on two consecutive nights).

In school, we often hear the story of Lot and his unfortunate wife (who turned in to a pillar of salt for looking in the wrong direction), but for some reason we don’t hear this story of gang-rape and incest.

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