A replacement for Sylvia Browne

Over at smugbaldy.com, you’ll find an analysis of Sylvia Browne’s predictions for 2006. Silvia didn’t do too well, resulting in an accuracy rate of around 3%.

Since her psychic powers are waning, we need to find a replacement for her. We need a powerful psychic device that can part the veil of time and provide an insight in to what would otherwise be unknown.

I am proud to announce the invention of the Predictor Disc. It’s a simple metal disc that has the power to predict the future with an accuracy rate of around 50% – far higher than Sylvia’s woeful attempts at divination.

The discs are made all the more effective since they are inscribed with numbers, thus harnessing the power of numerology. Here is a list of the numbers chosen and explanations for their significance.

1 (As in Highlander, there can be only 1)
2 (2 is an even number, thus balanced)
5 (As in high 5. A high-powered number)
10 (As in the 10-commandments. A number sacred to God)
20 (Twice as much as 10, therefore twice as sacred to God)
50 (The average age of 50-year-old people)

The discs are also enscribed with symbols. A head equals yes and tails equals no.

Okay, that’s the science out of the way. Let’s see the results.

1) The weather this year will be worse than last year.
correct
Silvia predicted that the weather would be worse and so was wrong. I activated the disc and it showed tails (no). Sylvia failed but I was correct.

Scores: Disc = 1/9 Syvlia = 0/9

2) Hurricanes will hit in the north east US.
wrong
Sylvia was wrong. I flipped the disc and it answered with heads. I was also wrong but this was probably due to sunspots.

Scores: Disc = 1/9 Syvlia = 0/9

3) Floods in the midwest as usual.

Syvlia was wrong, there were no significant flood events. My disc answered with heads (yes) and so it was wrong. This failure was most likely due to bad vibes from a person who was walking past my house.

Scores: Disc = 1/9 Syvlia = 0/9

4) There will be advancements in treatments for plaque in the heart valves.

Syvia was wrong. The disc showed heads and was also wrong. This miss can be explained by the ghost of Julias Caesar interfering with the ecto-probability field.

Scores: Disc = 1/9 Syvlia = 0/9

5) A vaccine that blocks the need for nicotine.

Syvlia was wrong. The magical disc (peace and blessings be upon it) answered with heads. This incorrect answer is explained by something.

Scores: Disc = 1/9 Syvlia = 0/9

6) Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will marry.

Syvlia was wrong. The disc of divination showed tails (yes). The disc has opened my third eye and given me a glimpse at the past future.

Scores: Disc = 2/9 Syvlia = 0/9

7) Jennifer Aniston will also marry.

Syvlia was wrong but the disc correctly answered tails (no).

Scores: Disc = 3/9 Syvlia = 0/9

8 ) Nicole Kidman will marry a producer and she have a baby girl.

Syvlia and the disc were both wrong. However, the disc must have failed because Mars is in retrograde, probably.

Scores: Disc = 3/9 Syvlia = 0/9

9) Gov. Schwarzenegger will lose popularity. He will run again because his ego will make him. He will be defeated if he runs.

Sylvia was wrong, the disc showed tails (no). Disc be praised, it has directed the powers of a ley-line in to my chakras and done exactly what it says on the tin.

Scores: Disc = 4/9 Syvlia = 0/9

Conclusion:

Sylvia failed in all 9 of these questions and the disc was correct just under 50% of the time. This cannot be due to chance. Chance is dishonest, hence the slang term “Chancer”. The disc is honest and scientifically proven in testing by the Harare Institute for Psychic-karmic-numerologist-creationist Research. I have been assured that the person leading the study has a PHd, complete with a diploma wrapped in ribbon.

Although I know these discs work, I won’t be taking the James Randi challenge. He will cheat and besides, he doesn’t have the money anyway. Even if we have a fair test, his bad vibes and beard will interfere with the delicate quantum field of the disc. I have it on reliable authority that Randi is the devil.

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5 Responses to “A replacement for Sylvia Browne”

  1. Will Says:

    That was cool. Can you tell me how to get my hands on one of those “Predictor disks”? I want to be right about 50% of the time too. 🙂

  2. Sean Kehoe Says:

    Cheers Will.

    The discs are widely available from most Banks but I would caution you against using them. Unleashing the akashic record is very dangerous for most people. It’s safe for me because I attended an intensive 2 hour training course that allowed me to grow an extra strand of DNA – this protects me from harm.

    On her web site, Sylvia says “The Holy Spirit works through Sylvia to emanate God’s love, grace, and blessings.” Shortly after this, she points out that it’s going to cost $750 if you want her to pass on God’s love, grace and blessings.

    Obviously it makes little sense to try to profit from such a gift. I’m fairly sure that if God wants to bestow such powers upon someone, he probably doesn’t intend for them to turn it in to a business. Imagine “God & Son. Leper healing, salvation and wine for a reasonable price”.

    This is why I issue a challenge to Sylvia.

    I will use my Predictor Disc to answer questions about the future. Please feel free to post them here in a yes/no format. If I were to charge for my gift, surely I would be a money hungry vampire, willing to stuff my pockets with the money of the desperate and lost. I would be a total shit and I would feed on human misery, uncertainty. I would be taking the emotional damage caused by the loss of a loved one and turning it in to a dagger to twist in the heart of my victim while emptying their pockets.

    This is why I am offering my gift for free. I promise that I will answer your questions with around a 50% success rate.

    Syvlia, will you join me in helping the people of this world?

  3. Lisa Pierskalla Says:

    I am a huge fan of sylvias, but after reading some of this stuff, i dont know what to think any more. how do i get one of these discs and one thing i always wanted to know is: who was i in a past life? can your disc tell me that??????

  4. Sean Kehoe Says:

    Unfortunately the disc has difficulty in determing a past life since it works best for future events, particularly when it’s a simple yes/no question.

    I decided to make an attempt though. I chose a golden disc, enscribed with the number 10. I chose 10 because it is currently 10:10am as I am writing this. Oh hang on, it’s just turned 10:11 but that’s not important. The disc has a map of Europe on one side, this is because I sense that your past life involved Europe. I flipped the disc and it showed ‘heads’. Based on this, I believe that your past life is as follows.

    You were born to a noble family around the time of the Napoleonic wars. Although noble, your family was in financial trouble due to the excessive drinking and gambling of your brothers. The family seat was in Sussex, although they also had land in Wales. You were probably the mistress of Lord Wellington or something. When your brothers died in a freak horse explosion, you inherited the family holdings and struggled to get out of debt. Having no other choice, you joined the professional fiddling league. Since nobles were not expected to play the fiddle, you always wore a mask when competing.

    After much fiddling in obscurity, you got your big-break and won the Fiddle Playing Cup. The prize money allowed you to pay of most of the family debts. A year later, a jealous rival filled your basement with squirrels.

    That is just a rough reading though, some of the facts may be innacurate. I suspect that it’s just as reliable as anything Sylvia could give you but considerably cheaper than her services.

  5. Famous Inventors Says:

    Famous Inventors

    Famous Inventors

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